A letter to my grandson, first draft

‘This is one of those apposite, beautiful … and precious and very great promises given to us … that we are to become participants in the divine nature … not only loved by God through Christ, and have his favor and grace … but also to have Him, the Lord Himself, dwelling in us in his fullness …  also to enjoy this love.‘ (Martin Luther, 1544)

I wonder if you remember, Ethan. You turned and asked me a question as you descended the stairs at the end of our Christmas celebration.

‘Why do you do it?’ you asked, about my online teaching and retreat work, knowing it is not necessary for me to work in retirement.

My answer was quick and satirical. “Not for the princely sum I’m paid,’ I quipped.

I have regretted those words ever since. They haunt me because you deserve a better, truer answer, and my heart will not let me rest until I try to tell you what’s in my heart.

My words won’t be half good enough to tell you what I know and feel. I’ll likely think of better words five minutes after I send this. But … here goes.

The real answer to your question is that I’d do what I do for nothing. But that is not true either. I am paid extraordinarily well.

I do it because I must, something within me will not allow me to stop naming the Love who lives at the depth of my soul, a Love who exceeds my ability to name or describe.

It doesn’t happen all the time, but often enough, when I teach or guide the prayer and meditation of others, my heart fills with an unimaginable joy and mercy that brings tears to my eyes.

A current of love springs up from a place in my soul I do not control and cannot command. All I can do is consent to its flow and share the blessing, passing on what I know and feel is true.

I know this love not because someone has told me about it, but because I experience the great and all-surpassing love of God living in my heart.

It melts my fears, releases my regrets, breathes peace in my soul and awakens joy for the simple gift of being alive. It opens my eyes to see beauty in others and the world around me, despite the pain and ugliness that abounds in so many ways and places. In this love, I feel truly free to be myself with all my quirks and shortcomings.

A long time ago, I was tempted to think life was absurd, empty and meaningless. But a handful of people taught me how to pray, how to meditate and let stories about Jesus come to life in my mind and imagination. I began to feel their power and realize that I, too, was wanted, treasured and delighted in by God.

I felt a great love enveloping me. No, I don’t feel this way all the time, but even when I don’t I know this love remains and times of feeling it near will come again.

For this eternal love of God, the source of creation, is the presence of Christ, who is not only born in history but also in the mystery of our hearts, yours and mine.

Sometimes, when I do what I do, I get to see another human being light up with joy, feeling profoundly loved and treasured by the love of God living within their own flesh and blood. And I feel it, too, living and loving me, often with tears of joy.

Of all the great things that lie in your future, my greatest prayer is for you to feel this, too.

David L. Miller