Full of days

A good person out of the store of goodness in his heart produces good, but an evil person out of a store of evil produces evil; for from the fullness of the heart the mouth speaks. (Luke 6:45)

Birthdays come and go for as long as we have them, and today is mine, age 69.

Prayers of late reach not to the past but toward what shall be, to whom I shall be, and this verse provides a focus as good as any other.

I want a heart as big and embracing as the hearts who have embraced me along the way, magnanimous hearts whose sharp edges had been worn smooth by life so that judgment falls away, allowing a gentle welcome for all sorts and conditions of our wounded humanity.

I am surprised to remember this is an old desire in me. As a boy I read Old Testament stories of Abraham, Isaac and David and would come upon a phrase that stopped me, “he died old and full of days.”

Even as boy I knew this is what I wanted. I prayed it aloud on my bed, and I knew it meant more than living a long time.

It meant savoring the days, holding everything close in the heart, joys and sorrows, success and bitter pains, rejecting nothing, trusting the Holy One is in each moment, in each experience offering beauty and grace, hope and love if you dare hold it close, not fearing the pain or loss.

I could not have written this at nine or 10, but in some hidden, inarticulate way I already understood because a Spirit beyond my own was breathing life into my heart.

How I wish I had always lived this wisdom instead of losing myself a million times and forgetting the grace my young heart already knew. I regret my lack of faith along the way, the times I substituted my plans for fulfillment for what God had in mind for me.

But it seems that God will not be cheated. The Spirit already present in childhood refuses to be refused, ever drawing us back to embrace what is, expanding our hearts into what we will yet be.  

So today, I remember souls who blessed me from the fullness of their hearts, praying that I, like them, may grow old and full of days, full of grace.

David L. Miller